In which I learn the meaning of FAIL.

Race day conditions: mostly cloudy with an 89% chance of SUCKING.

This past weekend was the Rock & Roll marathon. I had trained since August for the "big day." I also enlisted the help of a personal trainer to improve my strength and decrease my time. I was soooooooooooooo ready to kick this (half) marathon's ASS! Little did I know it had plans to kick me back....

The morning of the race it was in the mid 60s with 94% humidity. Yes, that's right.... 94% HUMIDITY. I love Texas, but I HATE that part of it. I found my running buddies in the crowd (we all trained together at one of the local running shops). They were easy to find, what with the matching shirts and all.

AND WE'RE OFF! We started at a good clip. Totally on target to meet my goal time. Despite the crap conditions we're in great shape! Or. So. We. Thought.

Going back and reviewing the splits I saw where we ALL fell apart. Pretty much just over halfway through we were all starting to hate life. I felt like a total ass. I was way over confident about making my goal. I knew I would have to tell everyone that I failed miserably (and yes, my trainer texted me that night to see how I did). I was covered in SHAME. (I missed it by 9 minutes, by the way) You don't even wanna know how sweaty and stinky we all were at the finish line.

No worries. I've totally (ok, maybe only mostly) recovered. My family rather sweetly pointed out that I still managed to run the half marathon faster than 12,100-something other women. I am already in training for my next half, in which I WILL make my goal time. Got a new plan from my personal trainer, too. His plan is to make me a stronger (FASTER) runner which means putting on a lot of muscle. I'm now on a 2600 calorie a day diet. This is going to be painful (and also VERY filling). Wish me luck....

Mid-week festoonery

I am a grumpy bear for some reason. Yesterday was the oddest combination of complete crap and absolute fun. Let me break it down for you....

Had a long day of surgery only to find out that the powers that be wanted me to hop-skip-and jump over to University to do ANOTHER case. (Ummmmmmm.....no) Sorry fellas (AKA, The Evil Overlords)! I've got plans to go to The Watermark pre-opening festivities! (I may have done a sassy-pants dance at that point...which may be why God decided to smack me down)

Happily (sassy-pantsily) walked myself out to my car after surgery to find a FLINGIN' FLANGIN' FLAT TIRE!!!!!!!!!! Ugh. I do NOT do well with car drama. No, I cannot check my oil, no I cannot change a flat tire...hell....I didn't even know my car came with a jack! (Please stop laughing at me now) Promptly called Daddy (AKA, The Cavalry) to help me out. The probalo here was that he was at work and had to go home to get the air compressor thingy (45 mninutes or so round-trip). So I decided to walk the 2 miles to my office to do some paperwork (hey...I'm a marathoner....a 2 mile walk on a nice day ain't such a hard thing), when all of a sudden my savior appeared (no, not THAT one). Hospital security....with an air compressor thingy! (I didn't make it to the office...only got about a quarter of a mile down the road) Unfortunately the tire wouldn't inflate, so this VERY nice man changed out the tire for my spare. Loves him! Daddy arrived to follow me over to the tire place.....the best part? Having beers with Dad whilst the tire got fixed (leaky air valve thingy).

I rushed home to get ready for the restaurant party-type time...what to wear??? Time was running short (Cavalli leopard print top and Prada pants, by the way). Finally got the The Watermark Grill with lawyer boyfriend in tow. Had a GREAT time. Wonderful waitstaff, good food. We'll definitely be going back once they open for real. It was a bit crowded over there, so lawyer boyfriend suggested ending the evening over at Wildfish. Heck yes!!!! :) A couple of dozen oysters, a shrimp cocktail, and a martini each later we headed homeward. (had to be up at 5AM for today's surgery....)

Definitely a day filled with highs and lows. Right now I'm waiting for the evil overlords to start calling/emailing/texting me about the paperwork from yesterday's case. (I've got my mean face on and I'm ready for them, though)

This isn't champagne.....it's HOLY WATER!

Yes, that line is from the 1995 masterpiece SHOWGIRLS. Dude....I LOVE that movie. And yes, I OWN that movie. I watch it whenever I'm in a particularly foul mood. You can't help but smile when you watch it. It's so delightfully awful and tacky that it's great. Why am I admitting to this guilty pleasure?

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO VEGAS IN DECEMBER.....that's why!!!!

I want the total Showgirls experience....except that I wanna be Cristal Connors instead of Nomi Malone (minus the falling down the stairs thing, of course). And I'm not stayin' in any nasty old airstream trailer either. I'm shackin' up at The Bellagio, darlin'.

Already on the itinerary is a night at "Peepshow", which if you don't know is a naughty-ish Burlesque type show that features one of Hugh Hefner's former ladies... Holly Madison.

I was also considering a night with the "Crazygirls" of the Riviera....pretty sure lawyer boyfriend will enjoy that one.

I've gotta work in a stop at In-N-Out Burger, a spa day, and some shopping at The Forum (where I will totally try things on at VER-SAYCE).

Seeing "Old Vegas" would be entertaining as well.....go all white-trash and play the penny slots....

Any ideas from the peanut gallery about what else to take in on my magical trashy Vegas tour?

Just remember...."I don't know how good you are, or what it is you're good at...but if it's at The Cheetah it ain't dancin', I know that much."

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmm.....or, if you're me, things that make you go AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!

What planted the seed for this post in my mind aside from several years spent in the OR? STUPIDITY.

So I'm at the local Children's hospital this past week to run a diagnostic ABR on a kid (here....let me Google that for you....) and I'm reading the board.... I see that one of the local oral surgeon dudes is working. What's he doing? According to the surgery board he's removing an INTERNATIONAL tumor. Interesting. Wonder if it speaks Spanish..... (that was supposed to be an intraoral tumor if you're keeping score at home)

But wait...there's more....things I've seen IN PRINT....IN A PATIENT'S CHART:

So I'm reading the chart of the kid I'm about to test...and I see that he has seen a "precious specialist" because he was "loosing" his hearing. Are you kidding me? Is common sense a thing of the past? Do you really think that the previous specialist in charge of this patient's care was all that special or are you just a freakin' MORON?!?!?!? Wait...wait.....don't tell me. I think I know the answer. Too bad for you....you "loose." (Seriously? People who have a high school degree still confuse loose/lose?????)

Patient has a cerebellopontine angle tumor. It became a "Cirillar protein ANGEL" tumor

And now for my favorite (drumroll please.....)

Patient in for a below-the-knee amputation. What do we see in print? BALONEY AMPUTATION. Does the Oscar Meyer Corporation know about this?

Ok, now I'm opening the flood gates. What have y'all seen in practice that makes you laugh/gripe/*facepalm*???

How I spent my Labor Day.....or, I can't believe my Uncle parties like a rock star at his age whilst I just can't hang!

So I've been neglecting my little blog here lately. Meh....what are ya gonna do. Anyhoo..... went to visit my Uncle over the Labor Day holiday. He's one of the coolest dudes ever. Owns his own business, loves to travel, LOVES to drink, and has a lovely long marriage free of children. In short, this man is living my dream. He's got a condo on the beach in Destin with a couple of extra rooms, so I hopped on a Barbie jet to go visit him in Florida for several days.

No, really.....a Barbie jet. Thank God I wasn't wearing heels...as it was I had to duck my head to get down the ding-dang aisle! Ok, so maybe it wasn't a pink plane....

So I land at 11AM on Thursday and good old Uncle D is there to pick me up at the airport. He takes me straight on over to Chan's Wine World for a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of wine. Oh yes.....all before noon. Gotta love that.

The entire weekend was one of intense relaxation.....and LOADS of fun (and laughter.... and alcohol). Come on...how can you not be relaxed when you're chillin' like this?

We spent a lot of time on his boat. I'm pretty sure it cost more than my house. But hey, it's a pretty boat. Apparently Crab Island is the place to see and be seen. And if you're me, the place you go to feel old and cranky. I found myself wondering why those stupid kids didn't just turn down their stupid music. Luckily Uncle D has satellite radio on the boat....Helloooooooooo 80s rock! :)

The water in Destin is absolutely AMAZING. Clear beautiful blue water. Ahhhhhhhh. Quite the relief from the ugliness that is the Texas beach.

Back to party central....so we played out on the water all day and went back to the condo to party into the nights. Uncle D's friends make a MEAN chocolate martini. No, really....it knocked me on my butt in a most surprising way. And yes, I ended up going to bed well before the...ahem....older adults in the group.

The only problem with my holiday? Mal de debarquement. It's a real pain in the butt. Took me almost a week to recover since I slowed my recovery with alcohol and vestibular suppressants. Oops! :) With as much fun as I had with family I'd gladly take the dizziness and all of the rehab and such again in a heartbeat. :)

Kona estan, BEACHES?!?!?

Yes, that line is only funny to me (and lawyer boyfriend...and possibly anyone who has seen and loved Anchorman).


So I've been away for a bit. I recently got back from a little "vacay" on the island of Oahu. Waikiki? Why NOT Kiki! ;)

Oh, man. I gotta say it SUCKS being back in the over-100 degree, 285% humidity of Texas. Ugh. Hawaii? 88 and gorgeous....every. darn. day.



Lemme hit some highlights of my trip to the island (and yes, they are all food related....we ended up on a culinary tour of Oahu with stops at #3,4,5,6 all in the same HALF day....nice.)

#1. Banana waffles topped with toasted coconut, macadamia nuts, and COCONUT SYRUP. This stuff is a gift from God. Brought back a ton of it. Loooooooooves it!

#2. Kona coffee. And none of that "blend" crap. I'm talkin' 100%, spend-way-too-much-on-it-but-it-makes-your-mouth-SO-happy Kona coffee. (and yes, I brought back a lot of that, too)

#3. Hot malasadas from Leonard's bakery. Heaven on earth. Kind of like if a beignet and a doughnut had a delicious baby. Get 'em plain or filled (coconut was my fav) and eat and eat and eat.

#4. Matsumoto's shave ice. Yeah....like a snow cone. ON CRACK. So tasty! (I recommend the flavor combo of banana, coconut, and pineapple) Matsumoto's is on the North Shore and was chock full of Japanese tourists. I'm not sure, but I swear I heard one of them yell "Godzilla!" after walking past me....

#5 Lunch at a shrimp truck! Wow. Just wow. $12 and the best lunch I had. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

#6 Fresh pineapple soft serve from the Dole Plantation. No, we didn't take the tour...we just marched our happy (and ever widening) asses up to the lunch counter and got us some ice cream! Be sure you get it topped with fresh pineapple and coconut. You'll be glad you did. Trust me.

#7 Kona brewing company's Longboard Lager. You can probably even get it in your hometown. I've found it at TWO of the grocery stores near my house. Beer = GOOD.

Poi? Had it. Don't so much like it. AT ALL. So there you have it. I wonder if I could find myself a fun job up there on Oahu.....there's bound to be some spine work for me, what with all the surfing injuries and such..... :) ALOHA!

P.S. The most amusing stop on my trip? Right here:

Oh yeah. That happened. Too bad Leland wasn't there. Alicia's got a thing for him....

Hey, AMA! Kiss my A$$....and call me "doctor" when you do it

This is a document by the AMA. They're seeking to limit the scope of practice of audiologists so that patients would NOT HAVE DIRECT ACCESS to us. The document is pretty ridiculous. Essentially it paints us as doctors' lackeys who are not really qualified to do much other than push buttons and fetch coffee. There's a section on "earned entitlement" and "shortcuts" to the doctoral degree which bothers me. The practice of granting the term "doctor" to those who had not completed a Ph.D. or Au.D. program stopped as soon as it started. And I sat through ALL of the required coursework for my doctoral degree....nobody gave me a break just because I had been practicing for 6 years before I went back to further my education. I don't use the term "doctor" when I speak with patients, but I HAVE earned it.

I'm not going to go through the document point by point...partly because it would take too long and piss me off, but mostly because many people won't care. My issue is this....If a patient desires to see an audiologist directly they should be allowed (and their insurance should pay) to do so. As members of a doctoring profession, audiologists have the skill set to diagnose disorders of hearing and balance AS WELL AS recognize more serious symptoms that require referral to a physician.

What I'm trying to say here is:
Hey...AMA....I don't practice medicine, so you jerkoffs stop trying to practice audiology, ok?